


Darling, I'm Right Here.

by sceneamami



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Post-KG, References to Depression, Spoilers, Suicide Attempt, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23441446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sceneamami/pseuds/sceneamami
Summary: Shuichi survived the killing game, he should be happy, but he still can't shake the guilt.
Relationships: Amami Rantaro/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	Darling, I'm Right Here.

**Author's Note:**

> hi ! this does have a suicide reference in it, although its not too detailed, please proceed with caution ! take care ily mwah .

it's been months since the killing game. so _why_ does it feel like nothing has changed. why do i still feel so... _empty._

i should be happy, but i'm not. i haven't gotten out of my bed in _weeks._ other than brief bathroom breaks or when Harukawa comes over and forces me to eat something, or drink water. im happy she doesn't push too hard, though. she hasn't been coming around as often. maybe she gave up on me. _like everyone else._

everyone tells me i should be happy. i survived the game, i have people who are my 'fans', although, i don't like that very much. they don't like _me_ they like the shuichi i was in the game. and i can hardly say i'm that person anymore.

i look in the mirror, and i can't even recognize myself. i don't feel like Shuichi Saihara. i feel fake.. like i don't really exist. maybe i don't, maybe i'm fake, maybe everyone around me is fake.. or maybe this is a dream. one awful, hell of a dream that never seems to end. i hope i wake up soon if it is, maybe this will wake me up. 

i've thought of doing this for a while. the only reason i didn't go through with past attempts because i got interrupted, or just flat out gotten to scared to do it. not this time.. i think. i think ill be brave this time.

i don't know what to do. everytime i close my eyes i see _him._ it's all i dream about. sometimes i wake up screaming, that's why i don't sleep much anymore, that's also why i'm standing on the roof of my apartment building right now.

all the dreams i have end up being bad in the end, but sometimes they start out good. sometimes they start with him standing in front of me, holding both my hands in his and smiling. he always had the prettiest smile. i miss it. so so much. but the ones that didn't start out good, almost always started with when we found him in the library. i hate reliving that the most. __if you had gotten there sooner, he wouldn't be dead. your fault. all your fault.__

i dig my hands into my hair, pulling on it as i sob. it's the only thing i can think of doing while i'm contemplating staying alive or ending it all right now. i'm so close to the edge, i sit down, letting my feet dangle as i let it all hit me. it _hurts._ it hurts so bad. far worse than any physical pain i've ever experienced.

i close my eyes, i see him again. his eyes. his hair. his smile. he's so _beautiful._ i want to stay like that. i smile to myself for the first time in months. i've never believed in any sort of after life, but right now i'm hoping so hard for one. because, if there is, i'll find amami.. and maybe we'll finally be together again. and i won't have to stare at pictures him late at night wishing he was here with me. we could be happy. _i_ could be happy.

that thought in itself is pushing me more and more to do do it. to jump. i don't know if i should listen, i could get it over with and do it quickly, but what if half way down i regret it, and decide i don't want to die. there's no going back after that point, no matter how bad you wish you could take it back. so you scream as you fall the rest of the way hoping there will be a miraculous saviour and you'll live. but that's just bullshit to think.

there is the voice in the back of my head telling me not to do it. saying Maki and Himiko need someone there for them. My uncle, who i was finally reunited with, will be distraught, but it's not loud enough to over power the waves of guilt. i don't think i can stay here much longer. i just want one more minute with myself.

maybe i would get to see kaede again too. i miss her a lot. we would be best friends again, she'd know how to talk me out of this. but she's not here to do that, so maybe i'll have to go find her, and she'll definitely scold me, but it's okay. it would be worth it.

i never even got to tell rantaro how feel about him. this could be my chance... maybe he feels the same. i won't know until i do it, right? even if there is no afterlife, even if i never get to see his face again. maybe this will be the end, and i'm okay with that.

i stand up again, looking at the city i once called home. it doesn't feel like home anymore. and i don't think it ever will. not unless he's here to call it home with me. and he's not, and he never will be.

i pull my phone out of my pocket, to look at the time. 5:57. i smile at my lockscreen, it's a picture i managed to find of amami and i on the internet, it makes me happy. i wish i had cherished that moment while it was happening. i wish i would have hung out with him for just a little longer. i bend down, slipping the note i wrote under my phone, which i'm also leaving, so it doesn't fly away. will anyone even find it up here?

the majority of the note is just me apologizing to everyone and telling them how i can't go on. i didn't even text any of them. anyone. i didn't want anyone trying to stop me. i have to do this.

i look out, the sun is setting. it's really beautiful. i pull my sleeve over my hand, wiping away my tears, although they're still spilling. and for the first time since it happened, i laugh. it's just funny to me, i guess danganronpa won in the end. i won't be considered a survivor anymore. i inhale deeply, i step closer to the edge, only half my foot on the ledge, i turn around.

i close my eyes, thinking of him, and being in his warm embrace, i smile, letting myself fall back off the edge.

see you soon.

**Author's Note:**

> hi i literally sobbed while writing this lol


End file.
